TRIGGER WARNING: Personal real life experiences I went through, mention of sexual abuse, suicide and death. You are warned before reading any further.
-Regret Memories- (Arc)
It's based on my real-life personal experience of meeting a boy online named Feeliks. It took me now to realise that I'm also a victim, despite I ruined other potential meaningful friendships over him.
Basically, in the end, Feeliks is "Ron" who lied about nearly everything to me all along — who also played as Spike (Feeliks' friend) and Mikey (Feeliks' brother) behind the scenes as well.
The worst — and the plot twist — part is that they used sexual abuse and suicide topics in their false stories. As the victim, I subconsciously follow my "feelings" above everything else, despite noticing red flags earlier about them. The reason why I went along is because it's a lose-lose battle for me, where either Feeliks' could be telling the truth about his abuse so I'll end up dealing with survival guilt as the blame for their death just for not believing them (and that I'll never get the answers and closure once they disappear), or go along and do everything in my will to prevent their death by giving moral support — which I end up to the point of having an obsession for him as his life was in my line as his only closest "friend", leading me to sacrifice friendships of others.
Thanks to them, my morality, psychological beliefs and philosophy are twisted to the point I don't understand what friendship really is anymore. It is also a psychological experience similar to Stockholm Syndrome if it was online, where you want to hate them for all the horrible things — especially they introduced me to problematic adult content that I shouldn't get myself sexually attracted to, even if I was still technically a minor back then — but hating yourself that you can't bring such feelings because of the small good memories which gave me a reason to keep on living and don't ever end my own life, despite all the lies.
However, I managed to survive all of their absurdity thanks to the power of "kindness". Only then, I finally trapped their words and accused their lies that make no logical sense for any excuse to wiggle out after being connected with them online for over a year.
I was too kind, too naive, and foolish. After everything — telling me their motive because they were bored and wanted to have some fun pranking online — I still gave them a second chance since I had a few secrets of my own (before knowing the existence of gender identity and pronouns). Only after they broke their promise to never lie about something huge again — telling me she's pregnant with possible fake suicidal images to guilt trip me again — which I mentally snap and embrace everything I've done to survive.
So when I thought why I didn't cry when I first saw my brother passed away... That's the core reason. I dealt with a fake death before (when Feeliks' faked his death), so seeing a real death in person while holding my brother's cold hands almost didn't feel real at the time.
I'm not a good person, but I'm not a bad person either. I am a human who already embraced his demons as one. And this "demon", I accepted him long ago as a part of me, who usually portrays as "Edge" — if anybody wants to go by the theory that each series of characters I've created are reincarnated as a different character in the next series. The other is "Sci" who is the part of me as the kind and understanding type with an obsession for mysteries and research for personal gain of interest.
Intentionally, I was thinking about creating a horror psychological game based on this, playing in my point of view with all the nightmares and delusions I went through as some kind of revenge story to share publicly since they gave me the right to own their characters of "Feeliks", "Spike", "Mikey" and "Ron" — of f**kin' course, Ron isn't her real name either, it's Daisy T19512516919. In the end, I gave up because revenge wasn't the answer and was able to move on to something else...
Team: JVJA (Arc)
Basically, I met Jessie, James and Ace in real life and the series is loosely based on a parody, inspired by the concept of RWBY. I go by "V-K" at that time.
The reason why I stopped making content for this series is because all the characters are based on us and our classmates, which caught me in trouble for shipping each other based on our vision of everyone as a joke.
Near the end of the year, we eventually fell apart. James never contacted us after I saw him from his point of view, and we weren't great friends because we only knew him on the surface level. Also, I don't have anything in common with James the most. For Jessie, I broke apart from her afterwards over many things like my gender identity, and that we don't share the same path in life and interests anymore as I have to respect her routines and move on without her. I do have moments when I was in the wrong and all of this is because we don't open our eyes to our real selves of who we really are when it's right in front of us, thanks to our fictional imaginations of seeing each other — fiction can blindly affect our reality to only see in a narrow perseverative if you can't separate them. I only still have contact with Ace, but we're luckily drifting apart too.
In the end, having characters based on real people, even if their personalities are out of character from your imagination, can harm people from your perspective and the relationships of others. People always assume I'm this sweet, innocent child-like character, but I'm not what you seem — since -Regret Memories- — with somebody else already made me into a "monster". It's frustrating often play pretend as a role I don't want to be acting forever around people.
I may look like a psychopath for always taking advantage of my "Outer" appearance to get away with anything, but I'm closer to a sociopath though — except I have control of my antisocial tendencies as a simple guy who wants to be left alone in peace. I do have emotions and feel certain guilt, but I can't relate and understand the concept of friends, relationships and love like many other people do. If I fall in love, it's more luckily an obsession or possession instead, hence why I somehow didn't cry when breaking up with my ex-boyfriend and in a few friendships I stopped caring about.
PSYCHO-LOGIC (Arc)
This is the last "original" series before I got myself into the skeleverse and UnderDepsair. Basically, it's everything that happened after the two arcs before this.
The recurring character is always "Yasu-Kun/V-K" but with an addition of "Spike" as the time traveller and serial killer as the "evil" to V-K, but he sticks around V-K's "world" and sometimes helps V-K grow with questionable dilemmas — as intrusive thoughts — until Spike fulfils his true purpose. V-K appears to be evil and morally grey, but he's still a pacifist using manipulative words and psychological tactics, while Spike is the genocide who would kill anyone in his way with his own philosophy opposite to V-K.
Somehow, V-K kept a high school boy, Sven, as his "servant" — actually hired as a part-time caretaker to keep V-K's mental health in control, the opposite of Spike. V-K have unexplainable protective instincts for Sven whenever he's in danger, maybe due to finally opening up to someone again. At the last arc of the series, Spike confesses he exists to hunt down Sven who's a reincarnation of Feeliks, which leads V-K to give up on the boy's life so all the memories of regret can be at peace as they disappear, with Spike done his job — like Error ending his life after he erased everything else.
Basically, it's a closure to everything, but it never happened because, in reality, I suffered a lot with antidepressants always failing to work to the point I accepted my "craziness" that I can't be saved — by taking the long path in life to heal on my own with time. I never continued the life journey of my original series after that and moved on.
Only this year, did I learn a lot about myself better and why I'm who I am now.
Overall
I can still make fanart of them if I wish, but I'm not dedicated to making use of the characters from those three series — except V-K/Yasu-Kun, and those who aren't based on anyone in real life.
Now, I'm sticking with UnderDespair only and reusing ideas, stories, unwritten character writing and such from those two old series into it.
My past is my biggest inspiration, and I sometimes forget about it. As for my mental health and personal life, I'll be fine surviving my inner battles on my own as I'm used to doing things by myself, and still a survivor. I think it's because having my version of Sci and Edge helps me cope with everything, even separating fiction, lies, truths and reality. The whole skeleverse is the best ever concept I love that fits all my requirements and fills in everything I wanted into UnderDepsair. I also doubt that I'll ever leave scifell (at least) in the future because it saved my life occasionally. Even though they're aspects of myself, at least they're fictional skeletal characters separated from everything else, and I don't know what more I can say.
P.S. Sorry for venting my personal life story's struggles that I've been holding this on for so long. I'm still lost and self-absorbed with my own interests in learning myself, the greatest mystery of asking myself, “Who am I?”
Also, I can't sleep since.
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